In the past decade, we revolved around social life, relationships, and career. While we nurtured that we feared we were missing out on something. We also feared to have lost time, did we achieve that milestone before we hit that magic age? Before the world suddenly shifted, it was almost like I felt the vibration prior to it happening and wanted time in solitude. I moved to a new city, where no one knew me and was not eager about starting a social life. I felt like I had been there, and I have been in a constant loop of pain, loss, and despair. There was a new calling, one that I have not listened to for years or maybe ever. It was to heal. I use the term heal loosely because to heal you might think there is something wrong with you, but contrary, to heal is to integrate our past experiences and feelings into all our realms that make us who we are today which is and is not limited to the mind, body, and soul. We are so afraid of looking at parts of our past and the dark places inside of us. We do not want to take a more in-depth look into our grief, our loneliness, our own hate, our inner critic, our wounds, our flaws, our dark side, and, therefore, it revokes its right to exist. Due to us nullifying its existence to flow and be experienced, it gets stored in our system, and grows with us because we have neglected to admit we have darkness in us. It will leave us only once we experience it.
As humans, and technically all creation, the light and the no light that is within us, is all part of us. None is better than the other. All is to be experienced.
I started this solitude journey with the intention of being with my inner self. I intended to stay focused by not committing to anything aggressively as I did in my past with jobs, education, possible relationships. I decided to let go for once. Not control my life too much and work with what I have right now. Let me tell you; it has not been easy. My ego has always been conditioned to want something in a particular way to extract self-worth or obtain identity in society. I then found myself in a place to reinvent myself. I controlled my soul so much by my ego, forcing it to be a certain way to obtain love. Yet the spectrum of love was much vast than my limited human mind could dissect. Life was not black and white, nor even shades of gray, it had a broad ocean of colors that never ended. I was like, ok, I will heal my mind, body, and soul. In my mind, I will go to therapy to find the root of my problems and solve them. For my body, I will eat healthier and exercise. And for my Soul, I will practice more prayers, more remembrance, rituals, fasting, more walks near the water, anything that makes my soul dance such as music, or art- whatever it may be. Little that I knew, I was burning myself out with wanting to control my healing process. About a week before the pandemic hit its peak and the world truly changed, my system shutdown. Literally shutdown. I was up every day, jumping from one task to another to "self-care" and to "heal" that I barely had a moment to rest. I did detox juicing for three days. I wanted to let the toxins out and flush my inner system and start a reboot. Then one day, expecting myself to be recharged, but my body did the opposite; it was almost telling me enough. Please. You don't need to be doing all of that. You are trying too hard. You are not flowing. Why do you think you want to heal so badly? Why do you think healing and solving all your problems is a destination? If all your issues are explained in terms of mind, body, and soul, then your mission on Earth would be complete, but you are still alive here, aren't you?
I realized healing is a lifelong journey, even though a lot of times, we would know things, but we never really experienced the feeling of understanding it. I finally realized it because I felt it, not by my mind, but by my heart. We heal or integrate at a different pace. Each one of us has a different story. I had to go through my life experiences to be where I am at now, I may be ahead, I may be behind, but in the end, it is a journey with myself. Myself that includes celestial realms, energies, beauty, stardust, you name it. We are much more powerful and divine than we think. A lot of my shadows surfaced in front of me. And I was overwhelmed, my perfectionist ego was like alright, alright, let's work on all aspects. You decided to take a year off; you don't know if you will have time to do this inner work again! So I overwhelmed myself, and my body shut down after three days of juicing. I could not move; my body just wanted to rest; it didn't want to think or do, just simply rest. Enough doing, please… just be. Enjoy your being, sweet human being. Your concept of existence is contaminated with the wrong construct of doing. We were all doing so much, trying to extract a reason for our existence. By working, making money, looking beautiful, being loved, accomplishing milestones, excelling in our careers, becoming famous, taking our kids to the "best" stuff. All focused on external things. We forgot how just to be; we probably don't even know how just to be. What does it mean to be? Why did I want to heal so quickly? I felt like I was given time, I intentionally "controlled" the fact to have a year off to "heal" and didn't know how long that would last, so I wanted to seize it. Then in impeccable divine timing, God made the whole world shut down for me, for you, and for Earth itself. There is a difference when the stuff we do comes from a heart space or a mind space. The heart space just is. It flows, like the water. The stream is taking me that way, so be it, I will go that way because I am needed there, and like water, I will flow there to my destination for the overall goodness. When an action or a "doing" is forced, then it is from the ego. It wants to prove something to itself. For example, if water had an ego, it would choose not to flow down the stream because it wants to prove that it can fly like a bird. And instead of flowing down the water stream, it decides to jump in the air. When that happens, it loses its benefit of contributing to society and Earth.
This is what we humans are doing everyday, because we want to control things from a mind space not a heart space.
We then lose the purpose of our place as part of the collective oneness. Like trees have a particular purpose, the water does as well, so does each individual and creation ever created. What differentiates us from nature and non-human animals is our mind. Our restless mind can be elevated only once it is still. It could be in remembrance, contemplation, prayer, reflecting on beauty, meditation, or being in your element, such as when you forget your mind when you are doing a hobby, say dancing :)
Remember your child-like nature. Go back to that, when you were just in your element before you imposed on yourself too many restrictions to existing. We all needed a break. A break was needed from our mental self, and in many ways, it veiled itself as something noble, whether it is religious, spiritual, accomplishments, or changing the world. But the ultimatum or the motive to do all of that might have been an inner feeling for recognition. Our ego wants to find a reason to "why I exist." Please love me; please love me, world, please love me, lover, please love me, God, please, I want to know I made a difference, so my existence is justified. Ok, I did an accomplishment… Do I love me now? Yet the ego always wants more. It does not settle.
Many spiritual leaders and prophets practiced the mental break. They would go in seclusion and sit in their nothingness and contemplate the stars, the waters, the beauty. When they did that, their mind silenced, and their inner light spoke. Why are we doing what we are doing? Why is our worth external? The shift we are in now is a gift. Even though we yearn for the day things are back to "normal," that normal was not a place for growth.
We were blinded and kept going, not knowing exactly what we are going for. Yeah, you can say you were after accomplishments, a healthy family, a healthy body, a healthy self-image, but it was extracted from an external place, not an internal place. Your internal place might be a lot different, and God forced all of the world to shift right now, He gave us the gift of freezing our time. To look within ourselves. Please take that opportunity and hear that inner voice inside of you that you keep ignoring because you might think it is silly, or contradicts the way you were raised, or what you have come to know. It is time to change. Both you and I know that we are not here, just to work and make money and consume.
It is time to heal and to integrate and go back to your true nature:
the reason for your existence on Earth.
We are having this human experience to enjoy aspects of our essence that are infused from God. We are here to create, to create in whatever way we can, create beauty, art, science, technology, humans, love, peace, light, healing, compassion, the sky's the limit. And while we are creating, we can't miss out on knowing Him, the more we know Him, the more we connect to our truth, know Him without limits, without borders.
Enjoy this gift of the enfolded time, frozen in stillness from the external world to dive
within your divine self.