Note to Self

Updated: Jan 28


"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless." We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is." - W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance


From the second you are born to the moment your soul leaves your body in stillness, your worth wouldn't have changed by an ounce. Physics taught us all that energy is neither conserved nor destroyed. Your worth is like a matrix of glowing beacons intertwined. It is pure luminescent energy that shines eternally. With that said, there is no way you can add to your value, or take away from it. Sometimes, our worth can be highlighted by certain talents we discover within our aptitude — a gifted singing voice, a good eye for photography, or an unmatched perspective for painting. All the same, our worth can be shrouded from sight when we make mistakes, or feel deeply insecure. The latter can be like the plague to your inner ecosystem.

Vibrations of worthlessness and self hate all stem from one recurring thought that transfixes us:

"I am not enough."


Ultimately this sense of always wanting to be better than what you already are serves as an obstacle in the road to your spiritual success and enlightenment. Why can't we just be happy with where we are? It's useless to expect yourself to be someplace other than where you already are when where you are is definitely where you're supposed to be. Perhaps, you feel lost in this maze of madness. Don't feel like you're deserted.. trust that you're in the middle of somewhere. Trust the Plan.


Redirect your attention: instead of perpetually focusing on lack, and attracting more lack, redirect your attention from your deficiencies to your strengths. Appreciate yourself. After pouring all of our energy into the spotlight of all which we don't want, we will reach our peak and question ourselves, "Why am I not getting what I DO want?", and the answer comes two-fold. Firstly, you are so focused on all the things you don't want: failure, a boring life, abandonment, to be misunderstood, and not be loved... Ultimately your worst nightmares coming to life. All these thoughts cloud up your scope and deviate you off the path to self-love and self-worth. Secondly, any "want" is undoubtedly tied to an expectation to receive.. and that can bring about your tragic demise. The key motif here is to have zero expectations.


Let me tell you this if you keep thinking of the things you don't want to be or to happen.. you will bring those exact things into manifestation right before your eyes. So the take-home message is: Don't think of things you don't want! It's amusing how things happen when you're least expecting. 

A common but critical misconception to acknowledge concerns productivity. 


While productivity is like self-worth articulated, if your self worth depends on productivity, then you will never be capable of feeling worthy. Life will become an intensifying cycle of constantly chasing your self-worth like its the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, which unfortunately you will never find. On top of that, every accomplishment you make will leave you feeling emptier than before. Take the time to give yourself credit for the milestones you reach, and the scores you seal. If you don't appreciate yourself, any external appreciation will be received with numbing emptiness. It takes you off guard, but there is a void growing within you, and it deepens with each episodic breakdown of yours. More and more, the void penetrates through you and taints your essence. Keep your heart from turning to stone, for from every breakdown a breakthrough is born. 


Brace yourselves because we're going to get to the root of this unhealthy behavior. Sometimes, one believes they benefit from expressing self-critical statements. Perhaps, this behavior causes others to view them as humble. Other times, these actions could stir a sense of pity in others. This pity subsequently causes others to care, which one respectively perceives as love. What we fail to notice is the actuality that these thoughts pull you in opposition to self-love. The hostility only accumulates with time. Freud believed deeply that all explanations for our mannerisms and behavior are directly linked to events from our childhood, whether we are conscious or not. Developmentally, childhood is always referred to as the critical stage in one's life. More light shall be shed on this topic later on.


With the fearful ruminating cycle of need comes this inescapable lack of trust in others mainly because we dread abandonment that much. The most daring challenge becomes merely giving in to the moment and believing that everything is going to be okay. Sooner or later, you will realize that you have been avoiding your fears in one way or another. You've been running away from yourself, but you're really chasing your tail. In order to heal, you must feel.


The healing process requires courage. Ironically, and perhaps even unexpectedly, healing is tremendously painful. Cleansing and shedding may ache, but the light at the end of the tunnel only gets closer. The primary skill one should acquire is awareness. The instant you feel your fears creeping in and your insecurities surfacing, let them act as an alarm. Let them be your wakeup call! Embrace that your insecurities can be of assistance for a change. Shake yourself awake from the illusion that has turned into your life. Bit by bit, your insecurities stop surfacing all the less, and you will become what you were all along... love.


Notice that your loved ones may be suffering because of you. This especially can be terrifying to face, but it's the sad truth. By projecting all your hurt on those surrounding you, you're only worsening the situation and fueling your insecure psyche. Surely, you don't want to drag those you love down with you, as a domino-effect of self-deprecation will commence en suite. The negative self-image in your head does not meet reality. You are so loved.


Treat yourself the way you would to a friend who approaches you with their insecurities. Be your own best friend. Caress the hurting parts of you, be gentle, wipe your own tears away. In simple wording, love yourself — all parts of yourself: the positive parts, the part you think doesn't quite fit, and that part over there you believe to be crooked, all the parts you wished were different. You wouldn't be YOU if it weren't for all of these bits and pieces. Just like everyone else, you are unique, and you are on your own distinct path. That alone should stop you from comparing yourself to others. Don't you see you're an entire universe just waiting to be discovered? You're wonderful. Come into reconciliation with yourself for your own sake.


Choose a new thought to think. Learn to change your mind. Believe you have the power. 


Don't let feelings become facts. "I feel worthless; therefore, I must be worthless." Imagine you are on a beach, seated comfortably on the sand. Take your thoughts and hang them up as the clouds. Let your emotions be the waves in the sea. Observe without judgment. Are there many clouds? Is the sea calm, or are the tides high? There is a grounding sensation that comes from non-reactivity. 


Affirmations are fabulous too but.. becoming dependent on them isn't. We feel great and worthy when someone gives us affirmation. But be cautious not to accidentally cue the dire cycle of desperateness where your fear of disapproval takes over. The path to realizing your self-worth is an individualized process. No one can show or teach it to you but yourself. You decide how much of your value you are going to acknowledge, as it exists regardless.


Listen to your heart's song, the sound of your breath. The same breath you respire to clean a foggy window in the rain to help you catch a clear glimpse. The same breath you use to make a wish on your birthday candles. Your soul is what guides you to clarity. Listen.


Love is your first language. And you know how to love yourself, even if you aren't conscious right now. Love accepts everything for what it is, the way sunlight accepts everything it touches..and helps the blooming of a bud unconditionally. There is no precise formula to learn, find what makes you feel good. Color yourself a different hue, one that rhymes with love.


Like water, be formless. Create space and take it all up with every inch of your beautiful soul.. whether it's through yoga, meditating, being kind to strangers, dancing like nobody's watching, cleaning out your desk or simply, breathing. Again we refer to the breath.. pull back another layer of the onion and listen. Who can you serve by being small? In order to help others, you must help yourself first. Empty your cup, and fill it consciously. Let your presence liberate others and shine the way you were born to. For a lotus flower grows through mud, and you are not a hopeless case. And in the midst of autumn, as the trees shed their crimson leaves, nature reminds us how to let things go. Thus, harvest your positive thoughts and mindfully bear the season's bounty… the gift of letting go.

Departure into digital existence


Does society play a supporting role in guiding us to overcome our insecurities? The attention-driven model of modern-day social media platforms doesn't help much. Unless you receive attention, you will be left feeling inadequate, and this design ultimately destroys your creativity. Getting attention stirs a powerful feeling in us. Of course, it's great that today's technology offers us the opportunity to spread what we create. Social media and technology aren't so bad in itself. The internet is a wonderful tool to connect with people that are not physically with you in the same room. It allows you to collaborate with individuals all around the world, and that is just breathtaking if you think about it. The perils of creativity are met with the addiction to attention. This addiction is as legitimate as any other, and more never seems to be enough. And the void expands. You get absorbed in how many followers you have, how many likes your last post got, and how many others got, and the obsession is ongoing. 


Your beauty, self-worth, and purpose do not depend on this whatsoever. Learn to disconnect every now and then, and tune in to your natural vibrational frequencies.

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© 2019 by Ahmed A. Lotfy